citizengkar: back to the station

Citizen G'Kar (

citizengkar) wrote,
@ 2004-04-30 15:43:00

back to the station
A word to the wise -- if you plan on leaving the station for any amount of time -- particularly if the act comes on the heels of any sort of moderately dramatic interpersonal affair -- for G'Quon's sake, don't tell anyone. The wellwishers and condolance-givers will emerge from the very woodwork. I'm surprised that my Babcom address didn't cause the station's entire mainframe to crash under its weight.

You don't believe me?

// Computer, mailbox. //

Message. From Vir Cotto.
Message. From Ambassador Na'Toth.
Message. From Captain Sheridan.
Message. From Legate Damar.
Message. From Michael Garibaldi.
File transmission. From Narn Homeworld.
File transmission. From D'Shalk Florist, Zocalo.
Message. From Transport Authority.
Message. From Vir Cotto.
Message. From Andraste White.
Message. From Ambassador Na'Toth.
Message. From White Star 16.
Message. From Physical Plant.
File transmission. From Babylon 5 Housing Authority.
Message. From Centauri Embassy, Minbar.
Message. From Vir Cotto.
Message. From Lyta Alexander.
Message. From Vir Cotto.
Message. From-

// Enough. //

Ambassador Na'Toth, eh. Good to see the provisional Narn government wasted no time. And I trust that this means Na'Toth will be remaining on board Babylon 5, which is probably for the best, though I hope she will be able to visit Terok Nor eventually, as such a trip would be good for her.

Young Mr. Cotto also seems quite adamant about reaching me, though I can't imagine why.

I had intended to pack quickly, in order to be on my way, but I suppose I had better return at least some of these calls before I go.

Which means that I am going to take a nap.

(25 comments) - (Post a new comment)

	vir_cotto_tm 2004-04-30 07:51 pm UTC (link)
	G'Kar's door signal sounds. Vir is standing in the corridor staring down at his feet and worrying at his crest. (Reply to this) (Thread)

	citizengkar 2004-04-30 07:57 pm UTC (link)
	G'Kar opens the door, expecting Sinclair. His face betrays his disappointment, but he invites Vir inside nonetheless. Yes, Vir. What can I do for you? As you can see, I'm quite busy. But take a seat, if you can find one underneath four years of my belongings. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

vir_cotto_tm
2004-04-30 08:25 pm UTC (link)

Noticing G'Kar's disappointment and evident hurry, Vir pinks a bit. He opens his mouth, almost tempted to back right back out the door, apologizing profusely for the intrusion. But he promised Londo. Shaking his head slightly, he takes a deep breath and says:

I... I just... I wanted to give you some things before you left.

He fumbles nervously in his inside coat pocket for a long moment, then pulls out a handfull of data crystals. As he hands them to G'Kar one at a time, he explains what's on each.

That first one is a collection of music by two Human composers named Gilbert and Sullivan. I thought since, you know, you seem to enjoy singing... and, um, the second one has episodes of Rebo and Zooty on it... just in case you need a distraction... Londo doesn't think they're funny, but I do. And the third one has contact information for a few friends I made in Yedor... they're Worker Caste and... well, if you ever feel like taking some time away from Tuzanor... I've already contacted them, so they know who you are and they're ready to host you if you ask. And the fourth...

Vir meets G'Kar's eyes directly for the first time. In his eyes is a deep sadness.

The fourth is the collected works of Centaro, the best of our composers. I... I don't know if you think anything of Centauri opera, but I just... I just want you to know that there is more to our world than... what you've seen. And I... I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what's happened... I'm sorry for everything. And I... I just wish...

... you would stay, Vir thinks, but he bites his lip before he says it out loud.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-04-30 08:55 pm UTC (link)

G'Kar stops what he's doing, and investigates the crystals one by one. The Gilbert and Sullivan-

This I will take.

He stashes it in a glove. The Rebo and Zooty-

And...perhaps this as well. And your contacts in Yedor are greatly appreciated.

G'Kar looks at the Centaro recordings disdainfully and pushes Vir's hand away.

Keep your Centauri music, Vir. I have heard your man Centaro and find his compositions both dissonant and distasteful.

And you -- you wish -- what is it you wish, Vir? Spit it out, I have no desire to waste any more time. I suspect you know why; everyone seems to.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

vir_cotto_tm
2004-04-30 09:22 pm UTC (link)

Vir is stricken. To his deep embarassment, he hears his own voice cracking as he says, softly:

I do know.

In his mind's eye, he can see Londo in Customs hours ago. It was a moment of weakness on Vir's part. He had made his promise and he had intended to keep it... but he had to see him, if only just for a moment. And that one moment- that one single moment- was almost enough to make him abandon his word. There was such a desolation in Londo's eyes that Vir couldn't help but reach out and touch his friend's arm, just to let him know that he was here.

When Vir at last wrenched himself away, it hurt with a physical pain.

I... I... I wish it didn't have to be this way.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	citizengkar 2004-04-30 09:29 pm UTC (link)
	G'Kar nods once at Vir, and his face almost softens. Then he hears the door buzzer and lets out a loud, exasperated sigh. I wish it didn't have to be this way as well, Vir. I wish a lot of things. I'd like a Terran pony, if you're doling those out. And then G'Kar goes to answer the door. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	ranger_wun 2004-04-30 09:15 pm UTC (link)
	Sinclair comes to the door and announces himself. G'Kar, it's Sinclair. (Reply to this) (Thread)

citizengkar
2004-04-30 09:25 pm UTC (link)

G'Kar throws open the door, then looks over at Vir.

Schrock! Of course, I can't be expected to have a single moment of --

That's it. Vir. If you're quite finished, please go. In fact, even if you're not finished, please go. If you have further business with me or the Narn regime, please take it up with the newly minted Ambassador Na'Toth.

And Sinclair -- thank you for coming. Please. Come in. Take a seat. I want to --

G'Kar looks over at Vir.

Are you still here? Go.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	ranger_wun 2004-04-30 09:35 pm UTC (link)
	Sinclair smiles uncertainly at Vir and bows slightly, then takes a seat in the chair in front of G'Kar's desk. (Reply to this) (Parent)

	vir_cotto_tm 2004-04-30 09:35 pm UTC (link)
	I... Off G'Kar's expression, he falls silent. Then, before he is even consciously aware that he's doing it, he crosses the room and wraps his arms around the Narn. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-04-30 09:47 pm UTC (link)

G'Kar stands fast, arms flat at his sides while Vir's wrapped around him. He stares past Vir, his face expressionless, and then he closes his eyes for longer than a blink and Vir can feel him slacken, just for a second, before he tenses again.

When G'Kar speaks, it is to Sinclair, as if Vir isn't even there.

Thank you for coming, Ambassador.

Vir unspools himself from G'Kar and shuffles out of the room, throwing a sympathetic glance at Sinclair before he goes. G'Kar does not turn around to watch Vir leave, and crosses to his desk instead to sit opposite Sinclair.

The he buries his face in his hands.

I think -- I think I am in terrible terrible trouble.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	ranger_wun 2004-04-30 09:58 pm UTC (link)
	Why is that, G'Kar? (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-04-30 10:10 pm UTC (link)

Delenn tells me it's not appropriate to join the Rangers as an escape from something. That I must enter the training with a clear conscience. And I find -- I'm not sure a clear conscience is something I can believe in, anymore. If I ever did.

And so I have come to a crisis of faith. Before Mollari and I left Centauri Prime, I asked him to promise me he would lead his people into a new age, one where the Centauri was able to break down the barriers that separated them from the other races. And when he told me he would -- when he lied to me, Ambassador, lied to my face -- I found myself wondering if I might be joining up with the Anla'shok simply to prove that I can do what he cannot.

How do I know if my motives are just? When I am as guilty as he is?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	ranger_wun 2004-04-30 10:17 pm UTC (link)
	Tell me one thing, G'Kar - when did you decide to join the Rangers? (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-04-30 10:27 pm UTC (link)

[OOC: with the caveat that G'Kar, unlike most of the B5 muses, is living in season 5]

The day Captain Sheridan led your people to victory over the oppressive forces that blackened your homeworld. The day Delenn announced that the Rangers would serve the Interstellar Alliance in the name of peace.

But I probably made my decision before that, if I didn't realize it at the time. When my world offered me leadership and I declined, it was because I no longer have any desire to serve a single race against any others. I have no tolerance for nationalism. Only for, as you would say, "humanity," in all its various and flawed forms.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	ranger_wun 2004-04-30 10:33 pm UTC (link)
	There is a crucial relationship you are ignoring in your answer, G'Kar - when in your relationship with Londo did you decide to join the Rangers? (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-04-30 10:46 pm UTC (link)

G'Kar presses his fists to his forehead. He forces himself to steady his breathhing, then drops his hands.

Are you asking, did I know that my fate was entwined with his when I decided to join? Yes. I knew. Did I know I loved him when I decided to join? Yes. I knew. Did I hate him? Did I despite everything he stood for? Yes. Undeniably.

Did I decide to join the Rangers in response to Mollari?

Yes. Yes, I believe I did. We are two halves of a whole, Mollari and I. And with all the hate between us, and all the hate responsible for generations of both our people -- I feel compelled to repent. And to serve.

But this is not what you're asking at all, is it. You're asking, am I running from him. I don't think I am. I don't know. Does it matter?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	ranger_wun 2004-04-30 11:02 pm UTC (link)
	Of course it matters. One half of a whole can't run away from the other half, no matter how much it may want to. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-04-30 11:21 pm UTC (link)

G'Kar pushes off of his desk and starts to pace, growling.

You are quite infuriating, Ambassador.

I suppose I shall have to get beyond thinking that if I want to serve the Rangers -- I suppose I'll have to get used to calling you Entil'Zha, in point of fact. But if you'll permit me to leave that until I have acquired the necessary level of enlightenment I would be most grateful.

I have resigned myself to the fact that my lot in life is to be by Mollari's side. I am content to serve his soul, and to better it, and to better my own in whatever way I can.

But I cannot, I will not serve Centauri Prime, I will not serve the Centauri people, I will not pray for them, and I will not forgive them their sins.

So tell me. I'm asking you. Tell me what I'm supposed to do. He's called upon to serve his people. I'm called upon to serve him. And I can't. I will not. And they wouldn't have me anyway, and nor would he, because I'll --

G'Kar spits.

-- compromise his authority! Threaten the friendly natives! Frighten local schoolchildren -- !

He is running from me, Ambassador.

I have spent the last several years of my life trying to atone for the sins of his soul, and mine. And yet everything I do -- everything we do is for him, for his world, for his sake. You must agree that there are larger goals at stake, no?

I have to believe that there is something greater than Mollari for me to serve.

And even in serving the Rangers I serve him, for every action I take has its equal number in his actions, on his world.

G'Kar stops pacing and sighs, heavily.

You are right. Delenn was right. Even this, even this I do for him, and not for the universe, or for me.

And yet -- it seems I have no choice. Because I cannot be with Mollari, and I cannot serve the universe from here.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

ranger_wun
2004-05-01 12:01 am UTC (link)

Tell me, G'Kar - who decided that you were the one to atone for everyone else's sins? Who decided that the weight of at least two worlds rested on your shoulders? If it's a martyr's lot you're seeking, there are easier ways to get yourself killed.

Did Londo talk you into this notion of sacrificing yourself for his people? I agree that there are larger goals at stake for the universe as a whole. But your wishes and dreams are no less valid than Londo's.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-05-01 12:22 am UTC (link)

My, you really do cut right to the heart of it, don't you. I've always admired the human propensity for bluntness. It makes for marvelous diplomats -- if rather dull writers.

But I will answer your question with a qualified no. Londo did indeed ask me, on precisely two occasions, to sacrifice myself for his people. On both occasions, the greater good of my own people, and the galaxy at large, was at stake. But yet on both occasions, I was at his mercy, and the choices made were his alone.

He's informed me -- curse the Centauri and their prophecy -- that I will be called upon once more to sacrifice myself for him. Some time in the future, he will die at my hands, and I at his. And the end of my life will be dictated by the ending of his. My story will reach its conclusion not because I have accomplished all I am to accomplish, but because he has.

Selfishly, I hate him for that. Because I love him so achingly and so profoundly, I hate him even more. But it would seem that I am doomed to live in his shadow, and to act and react only when it is appropriate for him.

I criticize him for not breaking free of the bonds of his destiny, but perhaps I am to blame for exactly the same thing.

And yet I love him, and so here I go, to live and die to serve him. Do your Rangers not do the same for you? And if I am already a servant, why shouldn't I join the ranks of others who live and die to serve a greater cause?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

ranger_wun
2004-05-01 12:55 am UTC (link)

I'm going to tell you a secret, G'Kar - that "We live for the One, We die for the One" thing? Not my idea. To be honest, I hate it. It suggests that I, or my successors, are somehow more worthy to survive than any other member of the Rangers. In the time of Valen, when he started the Rangers, the original phrase was "We live With the One, We die WITH the One".

You've really locked yourself into the Centauri view of things, haven't you - I feel like I should wonder where your hair crest went. Have you ever thought that Londo will conclude because YOU are done? Love does not mean being a tame lapdog! Get the hell out of his shadow! I know damn well that there is still a Narn backbone in there somewhere!!

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

citizengkar
2004-05-01 01:11 am UTC (link)

G'Kar laughs out loud.

My dear Mr. Sinclair, you are absolutely correct!

Well, strike that. You are partially correct. But it will suffice.

I want to join the Rangers because I believe in what you are doing, and I think you can help lead the Alliance races and the galaxy at large out of the shadows of our past and into a better future. It is all I've ever wanted, though when I served as a member of the Kha'ri I was misguided enough to think that the galaxy began and ended on the Narn homeworld.

My time on Babylon 5 -- my exposure to the Minbari, and more profoundly to Humans like yourself -- has taught me that the universe is much bigger than any one of us can comprehend, and that it requires all of us, working together, to create a decent image of it. And that, THAT, and nothing else, is the reason I wish to join the Rangers, and to serve.

I think that's a reason even dear Delenn could get behind. I hope it is.

I say you are only partly correct because I am not Centauri, and the Centauri notion of service, and of honor is gravely different from my own. But Mollari has changed in the time I've known him, and changed far enough to let me know he still has far to go. And so do I. So if we are to travel that path together, then I will serve him, not because he is Centauri -- in fact, quite in spite of that -- but because he is Londo, and he is a part of me, and I am a part of him.

I will also admit I much prefer your version of the Ranger credo, though from a military perspective I can understand why the need for hierarchy exists.

Still, I think you're very much correct, that I would not do well to serve them any more than I would do well to blindly serve Mollari, or the Narn government, or any ideology of which I was not an integral part.

Also -- between you and me -- I suspect I'm a bit too old and too tired a warrior to go gallivanting about on your White Stars as a member of their crew. I served a military for many, many years, and I am grateful beyond words that it is behind me.

But I will gladly learn, and study, and teach, if I can, and help the Anla'shok on Minbar for a while. When Delenn opened the ranks of the Rangers to other races beyond Humans and Minbari, she asked me to help her train and recruit Narns who might be interested in joining. I turned her down. Perhaps it is the best solution to all of this if I take her up on that offer instead.

Everyone always told me I was born to lead. I rejected that , but as I look at you I wonder if perhaps it wouldn't be such a terrible fate after all. Not to lead, necessarily, but to teach.

Yes, I think I could do that. And I think, Ambassador, that that is something that is entirely me, and does not come as a response to Londo at all.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	ranger_wun 2004-05-01 01:31 am UTC (link)
	You know what, G'Kar? I think you're right. And in that capacity, the Rangers will welcome you with open arms. I would tell you to go with The One, but they keep reminding me that I am The One, and that's just too embarrassing for an old Catholic boy sometimes. Perhaps I should just wish you luck. (Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

	citizengkar 2004-05-01 01:39 am UTC (link)
	I will take all the luck you've got, Ambassador. And I will not take any more of your time. And as for me, I must really get to packing, as my transport departs in just a few hours. For the first time, I believe I am absolutely ready to go. Thank you most sincerely for your sage advice. Isil'zha veni, my dear friend Sinclair. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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